For my Nov. 5 birthday, Paula gave me a gift that I love every year: A visit to Oglebay Resort in Wheeling and the 4-mile Festival of Lights display.

We drove to Wheeling on Monday, made a pit stop at the Wheeling Island Casino, settled in at Oglebay’s Wilson Lodge and then sauntered to my 2012 Honda Accord, a maroon marvel that I bought new about a year ago (7,000 miles on it as of today).

I was driving on West Virginia Route 88, where there also are displays, at a leisurely pace so we could see the holiday displays.

Wham!

The Accord was T-boned by a deer dashing down the hill from one of the lighted displays. 

Crunch went the driver-side rear door, so badly that it wouldn’t open from either side. It needed the Jaws of Life. 

The driver-side front door fared better, meaning I could get in and out of the Accord. 

The left-side outside mirror was dislodged from its mooring.

Paula and I, both startled, were not “laughing all the way” and the sound was not “making spirits bright.” 

Paula thought it was an errant cannonball. Well, it WAS loud.

We have petted uncaged tigers in Thailand; nothing. Enjoying the Festival of Lights while the car is barely moving down the road: Wham!

Paula wrote on her Facebook page: “My birthday gift to John. Only drawback was that a deer crashed into his car, causing $2,800 damage. He didn't even shed a tear.”

That’s because John Wayne taught me that real men don’t cry and my Monongah upbringing taught me: “It is what it is; I’ll deal with it.”

After I found out that no humans in the car were hurt, that is.

Florence York Ellis, who lives in Lorain, Ohio, had a different concern: “Just so it wasn't a reindeer!” Ho, ho, ho?

By the time I turned the car around 200 feet down the road and returned, the deer was gone. Obviously looking to terrorize another Honda Accord. :-)

Once I saw that Paula was OK, everything else became irrelevant.

And Tallmadge (Ohio) Collision promises to restore the Accord in time for me to take it on an auto-train Dec. 31 from Lorton, Virginia for our three months in Florida. 

The $2,800 bill, plus the cost of a rental car while Tallmadge Collision un-deers the damage, is pretty close to the national $3,103 average for a run-in between car and deer.

Since it was a deer, my State Farm insurance set my deductible at $250 under comprehensive coverage. If it had been another auto, I’d be out $1,000 deductible under collision coverage. State Farm also gave me a $50 gift card for Tallmadge Collision, so my total tab is $200 . . . plus a rapidly-accelerating heart.

Deer-car collisions happen about 1.2 million times EVERY YEAR in America, mostly from October through December, because of mating season, particularly between 6 and 9 p.m. We were struck about 6:15 p.m.

My sister, Jackie Olesky Straight, Class of 1950, who lives in Rivesville, said her daughters have had at least four deer-car collisions.

My son hit a deer last year on his way to a family gathering in Aurora, Ohio. My daughter struck a deer on Ohio 303 several years ago on her way to her Brunswick, Ohio home after another family get-together.

Hopefully, my older daughter doesn’t complete the cycle.

Oglebay personnel said there were 79 deer sighted TOGETHER earlier in the daytime, so we have 79 suspects -- and the hair/fur that is stuck in my car door for DNA evidence.

Who needs TV for excitement and drama?

According to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, deer-vehicle collisions in the U.S. cause about 200 fatalities each year.

Year after year, West Virginia is the No. 1 state where a driver is most likely to collide with a deer. The odds: 1 in 42.

Iowa is second at 1 in 67, followed by Michigan at 1 in 70. The least likely, Hawaii – 1 in 13,011.

Florida doesn’t have many, either. Maybe that’s because the alligators eat the deer before the Bambis plow into automobiles.